Saturday, August 7, 2010

Living for That Day!

I'm not really sure what to call it, but my mom liked cemeteries. I'm not even sure I should use the work "like." She went there often and inherited this trait from her father. My grandpa had lived close to the cemetery where my grandma is, where he now is, and so is my mother.

They knew the caretaker by name, they often knew when a new hole was dug and who it was for. My mom was also an avid obituary reader and she was concerned who was buried around her when picking out a cemetery plot, when she is raised she wants to be surrounded by familiar faces. You may laugh, but it's true.

That is not me at all. For awhile after she passed away I did scan the obituaries because I no longer had her to tell me who died. I don't do that anymore. 

(On a side note, I do have an odd fascination with the whole embalming process and would love to see this but you have to be licensed to even be in the room.)

Sometimes I feel guilty that I just don't like going to the cemetery and only go a couple times a year. One reason I go is because I know my mom would go if that was me. She would make sure that I had the most beautiful flowers on my grave and she would water them and keep them alive. I'm barely able to keep plants alive in my yard. This year I did go to plant flowers, other times I go and bring fresh flowers. She loved flowers!

But to me, this is not where my mom is. It's simply a place where her earthly body is. She is with Jesus and the memory of her is with me. I just don't feel a NEED to go there.

It's been 4 years now.

I can tell that I have healed a lot. The last time she came to my house was around 1 pm on July 3. The last time I had a conversation with her was around 4pm on July 4 when I went and visited her in the emergency room. Every year I would remember these dates and these times. This year I thought about those dates before I got to them but then they passed and I was already to July 5 and didn't stop and think about it at those times like I have in the past. With this though comes guilt.

Am I forgetting her?

I'm not. I think I'm just healing from some of the pain of those days. But I think because those times were not on my mind as much, August was a little harder for me this year.

Over the past years there are many times when I have selfishly wanted her back.

I've thought:

I wish I could ask her this recipe.

I wish she was here to see.........

I really could use her help watching the kids, or helping me take the kids a certain place.

I wish she was here so we could can vegetables together.

But do you see a common word here? It's the word "I". And that is when it hits me. My wanting her to be here is for ME!

She has reached her ultimate goal. Isn't that what we are living each day for? To be with Jesus? She's gotten there and I selfishly want her back. This is then when it hits me that instead I should be jealous. She has gotten there, I'm still here. I need to be longing to be there too, not wanting her back here.

That is what has given me strength each day through the past 4 years! I hope it gives you strength too as you struggle through hurts and pains on this earth.

Live for that day!

There are two days on my calendar: this day and that day 


Beth said...

Thanks, melissa! I have so many of the same feelings :) And the end of this is what I just talked to my kids about as we left the cemetery just a few minutes ago. Death is a part of life. It's a scary part, but the other side is really what we live for as Christians. Easily forgotten! God gave us a godly mother, and i'm so thankful for the many memories that we had with her!

Christine said...

This totally made me cry. Our earthly mothers mean the world to us, but I can't even imagine the bond we will have in heaven. Until then, let us serve Him & give thanks.

Angie said...

Dear sweet sister- thank u for sharing your heart. I believe we all have moments where we wish a loved one that has gone on returns. Praise the Lord Jesus for the healing process. We can sit and remember with my joy in our hearts of the gifts that special person has given us. And rest assured they will be walking beside us in heaven.
Be blessed